June 19, 2013 with 209 notes
A man goes to see his psychiatrist. He says, “Doctor, I’ve been having suicidal tendencies. What should I do?”
The psychiatrist replies, “Pay your bill today.”
(Source: psych-comedy.tumblr.com )
Dog: They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl.
Goldfish: Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't think I'll mind eating the same fish flakes ... Oh boy! Fish flakes!
Dog: Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!
Goldfish: The wimpy knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!
Parrot: Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker? Hell, no!
Dog: Human legs that just tease.
Cat: Why are these people in my house?
Goldfish: Oh, tap-tap-tap! There's a new one!
A man walks into a psychiatrist’s office with a concerned look on his face. “Doc,” he says, “I’m worried. It’s that dream. I’m having it again.”
“What dream?” asked the shrink, not really paying attention.
“You know,” says the man, “the one where I’m into sadism and bestiality and necrophilia. Should I be worried or am I just beating a dead horse?”
(Source: psych-comedy.tumblr.com )
A man goes to a psychiatrist and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy. What do you think I should do?”
“Relax,” says the Doctor, “take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, where exactly is Larry’s bar?”
(Source: psych-comedy.tumblr.com )
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a psychologist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he would be too embarrassed, and vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day, a few weeks later, Bill came home ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
“What’s wrong, Bill?” she asked.
“Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?”
“Oh, Bill, you didn’t.”
“Yes, I did.”
“My God, Bill, what happened?”
“I got fired.”
“No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”
“Oh… She got fired too.”
(Source: psych-comedy.tumblr.com )
A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.
The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.
“Tell me,” said he, “if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?’
The inmate said, “It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful.”
“Marvelous,” said the head of the institution.
“Or else,” ruminated the inmate. “I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one’s life in bringing up a new generation of scientists.”
“Absolutely,” said the head.
“Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution.”
“An interesting possibility,” said the head.
“And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle.”
(Source: psych-comedy.tumblr.com )
A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane asylum that is reknowned for their progressive rehabilitation methods. They begin by visiting some of the patients.
The first patient they visit is a young woman. She is practicing ballet. One of the psychiatrist asks, “What are you doing?” She replies, “I’m studying ballet so when I get out of here I can possibly join a troupe and be a productive member of society.” “Wow, that’s wonderful.”
The next person was a man reading a book with a pile of books next to him. The same question asked to him, “What are you doing?” “I’m studying biology, chemistry, etc. So I can enter medical school when I get out”.
Room after room, they witnessed the incredible success and attitudes of the patients. Until they finally reached a room the asylums director was reluctant to open. Finally, he was persuaded to open it. Inside was a man balancing a peanut on his penis. The reaction of the psychiatrist, “My God what are you doing?” The man replied: “I’m fucking nuts and I’m never getting out of here”
(Source: psych-comedy.tumblr.com )
